Fuck this fucking disease.

I just had what is easily the worst knee dislocation I’ve had in years. My knee was bent when it happened so that makes it harder to put back as is… But to make it worse the knee cap grazed the bone (I’ve chipped the bones enough by not to safely say that’s what happened) then my muscles spasmed basically trapping my kneecap out of socket. I had to pull so hard to get it back in place but only after kicking my leg out as straight as I possibly could get it. I am shaking from pain, and the shock and surprise of the dislocation has done a toll on the rest of me, I’m friggin FREEZING. My body is horrible enough at even pretending it knows how to maintain a normal temp as is, these little surprises make it forget that I’m supposed to be warm at all.

I was really hoping I’d be able to hold off on my surgery for my right knee but I can’t do this to myself. It’s been dislocating more and more frequently since I got the left knee operated on though, and I can’t allow the right to be as badly damaged as the left got. I could cry right now. I’m so sick of this stupid disease and what it’s done to my body and what it KEEPS doing to me. I usually handle the disease with as much grace as you can with something like this… But today i just hate my body. I’m so angry that things like this even exist. I’m so angry that no one knows what it is. I’m so angry that there’s not even a treatment. I’m furious that doctors don’t believe the pain. I’m enraged that I don’t even have a pain med I can take right now. The pain is infuriating. I can’t take this.